Some of you might inquire as to my secret of preserving my youthful looks, good humor and general effervescence. (Though none of you have.) Beyond the usual clean living, regular exercise and sensible diet (of which I am unfamiliar), I might recommend various natural and not-so-natural techniques, products and procedures. Cucumbers on the eyelids each evening can be cumbersome, as is the algae-paste facemask I've seen on some narcissists. I much prefer consuming nightly a green-olive salad of several ounces of clear, thrice-filtered distilled beverage of ethanol and water, shaken with several ice cubes and strained into a frozen, conical and stemmed glass. (Brand name "Ketel One" serves nicely.) In addition, there are available a variety of luxury skin care products, including all manner of ointments, salves and moisturizers, including those produced and marketed by brand names Murad, Estee Lauder and L'Occitane. With no direct experience with these products, I can only recommend a certain crème popular with teenagers suffering a certain skin malady, namely "Clearasil." In addition to these natural and over-the-counter products and techniques, there are more-invasive procedures to be considered. I've through the years proven partial to a certain combustible, vegetative strain helpful not only in preserving good cheer, but also in muscle and mental relaxation. But consider also the "injectables" and "dermal fillers": Botox and Restylane being two of the more common. Add to those a full range of procedures meant to preserve youthful-looking facial skin, including microdermabrasion, chemical "peels" and various laser-based procedures, and you get a sense of all the things I have never tried but continue to be repulsed by, mostly while perusing TV shows like "The Housewives of Hollywood." Beyond the dermal procedures, there are even more-invasive procedures meant to enhance the patient's aesthetics. Liposuction and/or abdominoplasty (i.e. "tummy tuck" surgery) are two of the more common weight-reduction techniques, but don't overlook the more-radical gastric bypass, gastric banding and "sleeve gastrectemy." Not only have I never tried any of these, the very act of typing them here has transformed what I thought was going to be a fun attempt at humor into a nauseating exercise in futility. Sorry to have put you through it... (If you made it this far.)

Seriously, I've come to realize that never in my life will I spend so much time (in some cases 12+ years) with the same group of people (any Lincoln Elementarians out there?). I have always felt fortunate to have shared that time and to have grown up with you all. As my new favorite songwriter Ryan Bingham said: "I'll never forget where I come from." I regret that I won't make this year's reunion. I'll be thinking of you all -- Have a great time!